Things to Consider When You're Coming Out
- Things to consider when you're coming out.
- Coming out - how do I tell my parents?
- Coming out - should I tell the rest of my family?
- Coming out - how do I tell my friends?
- Who can I talk to or go for help?
1. Things to consider when you’re coming out.
Coming out is not an easy thing to do for most people. Some people choose to keep their sexual orientation a secret their entire lives. With positive changes in legal rights and protections, many people are now more comfortable about coming out. However, people can still face discrimination, and sometimes violence when coming out so it's important to make sure you feel safe if you are planning on coming out.
Before coming out, you may be asking yourself the following:
- I am not sure if I'm gay or not - are these feelings normal?
What you are experiencing is called "questioning" and many people of all ages go through this. This can be a difficult and confusing time. It may be helpful to speak with someone you trust about your feelings. If you do not feel comfortable speaking with someone you know, there are other resources and people who you can talk to which may help by providing factual information.
- Can I handle the criticism and possible rejection?
Don't assume that when you tell someone about your sexual orientation that they're going to accept it right away, if at all. They may need time to think about what you have said. Prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility of rejection and criticism.
- Am I being pressured to come out?
The decision to come out is one that you will have to make for yourself. It's OK to come out or to not come out depending on your specific circumstances and feelings. You have to be ready and feel comfortable to come out on your own time and on your own terms. You should never be pressured to come out. It is your decision.
2. Coming out - how do I tell my parents?
Coming out to your parents may be very difficult. If you decide to tell them, be prepared that they may be shocked or even confused. Like anyone else, they'll need time and space to think about what you've told them.
You might want to start the conversation by saying:
- "I have something I want to tell you and I’m no sure just how to say it. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am as a person and I’d like to talk to you about it."
After starting the conversation, get to the point. Don't pressure anyone for a reaction or acceptance. Tell your parents you want to talk to them about what this means for you and your family.
3. Coming out - should I tell the rest of my family?
If you've already come out to your parents, you might want to ask them if they want the rest of the family to know as well. By asking your parents, they'll feel they have some control over providing the news to the rest of the family. Of course if you are not ready to have the rest of the family know, be upfront with your parents about your wishes.
Be prepared that your parents may not want you to tell anyone else in the family. Respect their wishes for the time being, but if you do wish to tell other family members, bring up the subject again at a later date for discussion.
If you tell another family member about your sexual orientation before telling your parents, make sure you can trust them to not tell anyone else. If you feel you need their help in coming out to your parents, ask them to be there when you tell your parents.
Not sure how to talk to another family member about coming out? Check out Coming out - how do I tell my parents for some tips.
4. Coming out - how do I tell my friends?
Coming out to a friend may be as difficult as coming out to your parents. You might be afraid that your friendship will change or end.
Here are some things you may want to say when telling a friend:
- "I know we've been friends a long time and you probably have a good idea about who I am. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am as a person and I'd like to talk to you about it."
- "We've been friends a very long time and our friendship means a lot to me. I have something that I've wanted to tell you for some time and I hope it won't change our friendship."
Don't be surprised if you get everything from acceptance to a cool reaction or a combination of many emotions. Reassure your friend that coming out will not change your relationship. If your friend is the same gender as you, reassure them that you're not trying to turn the friendship into a sexual relationship.
If you don't want anyone else to know about coming out, ask your friend to keep the news a secret. Be prepared that others may eventually find out about your news.
5. Who can I talk to or go for help?
If you need to talk to someone about coming out, or just to talk, there are lots of services in Peel and Toronto to help you.
